LAFONT’S CARD GAME OF SUM

I’m tinkering with narrative poetry, perhaps the field I’ve been avoiding the most, since I find it incredibly hard to produce well. I don’t know how this first attempt ranks, but I humble ask of you to tell me what’cha think, as I will be crafting two more to finish the arc.

Screen Shot 2018-06-19 at 23.21.14


JOHNNY

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Hoje sou tudo no nada que sou, amanhã serei outro.

6 thoughts on “LAFONT’S CARD GAME OF SUM

  1. Your poem is a bit schematic. Get into it more and take the part of your character. Get rid of the third person point of view and cast it into first person. Dramatize the elements. Look at your poem as being from the point of view and person of your character, and you will do fine.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. i don’t know too much about narrative poetry, but i can say that i am curious to find out what happens next. the involvement of numbers, of languages, of poetry within this poem, is fascinating, it lends a bit of distraction and interest. perhaps the above comment, if heeded, would make for a good edit. i wonder what this poem would sound like in first person–if you would take the part of joey or lafont? lafont reacting to joey or vice versa?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m tinkering with the ideas but I can’t seem to make first-person work fully. It eliminates a ton of parataxis and I kinda lose my structure, making me dry heave as I attempt to write it.
      I would like to become Joey and write everything in old rural american english, that would be thrilling!

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I love the format you’ve chosen, but I agree with Remski that it comes off as schematic – almost choked by the way you force the narrative from a distance. But that is what editing and revising is for!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for the input, truly!
      You are absolutely correct, and I add another problem I’ve found: I’ve condensed too much into the verses, making them over-lenghty and overcharged. It stems greatly from my obsession with visual order, but with a little less sctructural strain, the poem would work much better.
      Again, a thousand thanks.

      Like

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